Our God-Shaped Holes

We are always our worst critics and so often we overlook the beauty in ourselves that is so obvious to others. I think sometimes we fear that if we aren’t looking very good right now, if we can’t see the “fruit” in our lives, then we must be doing something wrong, that we are far from him. Have any of you ever looked at a rose bush that has just been pruned? It looks terrible. To the inexperienced person, you would see a pruned rose bush and walk right on by thinking, “That thing looks dead!” But a true gardener knows that it’s just in a certain season of life and it’s been perfectly prepared to produce even more beautiful roses when it’s time. An experienced gardener knows that pruning a plant allows nutrients to go right to the spots that need it. John 15: 1-2 says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”

I remember a few years ago when it was a time of my life I had just started home schooling my kids and I was being handed a large dose of humility. Even after years of teaching experience and a master’s in education, I was at my wit’s end. Nothing seemed to be working. I couldn’t get my kids to do their work and they didn’t seem to be enjoying things the way I had hoped. I also was having difficulty controlling my anger at my children. I was praying daily for the ability to love my children and be a good parent, and I felt I was failing miserably. At the time, I was going through the study of Esther with my sister.  And as I went through the study, I felt my eyes were being opened to all the nastiness that I had inside. I felt that nothing beautiful was being produced in me. I felt very far away from being anything like Esther, not even close to the Godly woman I wanted to be. I truly felt like I was being pruned and I was looking absolutely wretched. One day I shared this with my sister. She looked at me and said, “Oh no, Jenn. Just the opposite. I am seeing you just blossom,” and she shared with me how she thought I was doing a great job as a parent and she was seeing so much growth in me. You see, the pruning I was experiencing WAS producing beautiful fruit, but it just didn’t feel like it at the time…. You may not always feel it or recognize it, but you, too, bear beautiful fruit.

Yet we still often compare ourselves to others and pick ourselves apart, finding every teeny tiny flaw. We have a tendency to start trying to figure out what we need to do to fill the gap, what we need to change, what steps we must take to FIX THIS PROBLEM. But the truth is, these holes in our beautiful fruit, these huge gaps that we see on the tree branch where there just doesn’t seem to be anything good hanging around–there is nothing WE can do to fill those gaps. You might say those holes, those gaps, are God-shaped. The problem is we need God. I know it seems simple, but it’s true.

Let me tell you a story. On one Saturday morning, my sisters and I joined each other for coffee at Mom’s house. My sisters noticed throughout our conversation that I was not my usual self. Finally, they prodded a little, and I revealed what was troubling me. I felt an overwhelming burden that I had to take care of everyone in my life and didn’t feel I could have a rest. I explained how I wasn’t sleeping well because I was having my son sleep in my room every night. At the time, he had been having seizures and had recently been care-flighted to Dallas after a series of three life-threatening ones. I also shared with them about how I had laid my head down for just a few minutes to take a nap, and my son had run out in the street. I was the sole teacher in charge of my 3 kids’ education, the doctor in charge of giving everyone their various morning and evening medicines (including the very important seizure medicine), the alarm clock that helped wake my husband while he adapted to his crazy shift-work schedule, the nutritionist who attempted to provide everyone good food as much as possible, and so forth. You get the picture. From my perspective, I was a woman treading water and holding everyone else’s head above water. If I took a moment of a break, it felt as if they would all sink. I felt so responsible for everyone and so tired. I felt weak and desperate, seeing so much I needed to do, so many changes I needed to make in my life, wishing I could be a different person and manage everything better, and yet so incapable of doing anything about it. I was seeing all those holes in my life and believing it was all my job to fill them!

My sisters listened and comforted me. Then in a very clarifying moment for me, one of my sisters said, “Jennifer, you’re forgetting one very important thing—God. Even when you took a nap, God protected your son from getting hurt in the street. Even when your son stopped breathing during his seizures, God kept him alive.” She continued to remind me that ultimately I am not the one who protects my family anyway; it’s God. I had not realized I was making myself too important and not recognizing God’s awesome power and protection in my life. I slept so peacefully that night, trusting God to fill the holes in my abilities and resting in His strength. When we are so empty, we have to allow God to fill us up.

Yes, it’s wonderful to evaluate yourself and take stock of where you need to improve. Yes, it’s only right that we recognize God’s purpose for us in this life and work toward fulfilling it. Yes, it’s great to strive toward being an example of every single aspect of the Fruit of the Spirit. But if we get to a place where we’re feeling overwhelmed by being a “good” Christian, by doing all the right things, then we’re missing the point. God tells us “His yoke is easy and His burden is light.” When we feel we’re treading water, maybe we need to realize we’re not in as deep of water as we thought and just put our feet down and stand on God, the solid rock underneath our feet. After all, He is the one holding everyone up, not us. At the end of the day, we must simply rest in Him and praise him for all the mighty works He does in spite of all our failed attempts.