journey – Growing By Surprise

My Writing Journey

In about a week, my book, Sister Talk, is going to be available on Amazon. It seems unreal. Never in my life did I think I would be a published author.

I’ve daydreamed of being a famous singer. I’ve thought about creating my own math curriculum and imagined having a huge online math course business. To be honest, I have even desperately hoped to be Miss America (obviously in my younger years.) But not once did I have the dream of writing a book. That plan is all God’s. So let me tell you the story of how this book came into being.

About ten years ago, God started whispering in my ear that He wanted me to write. He didn’t say what or how or when or why. I just kept feeling Him urging me to write. I often put Him off, questioned Him, and flat out ignored Him. I would say, “I don’t know how!” or “What would I write?” or “I don’t have time.” Occasionally I would pull out a journal and write some things down, but I never fully embraced this calling. Ultimately, I allowed myself to believe I must have misheard God. Surely, He did not really mean for me to write a book.

You see, I am not a writer by occupation or even for recreation. Before beginning this book, I had written only a handful of things that were not for a school project—some notes for a few speeches and an occasional journal entry. Overall, writing has never been my hobby or love. I am a math teacher at heart. I received my undergraduate degree in Mathematics and Education and then my Masters in Curriculum and Instruction. I have always had a passion for education.

However, God loves to use us in ways we never imagined. He delights in pulling us and stretching us beyond our abilities, all the while showing us how amazingly He equips us for whatever mission to which He calls us.

The title Sister to Sister echoed in my mind over the years. A few times, I chose to write a short blurb about my experiences with my sisters or how they had ministered to me. But I never put much effort into any of it. I was busy with life—kids, church, and other ministries. However, the COVID Pandemic of 2020 halted most activities. Everything slowed down, and, for the first time, I found myself bored, wondering what to do with myself.

One afternoon in August, I laid down on my couch and prayed for God to help me see how I should spend my extra time. “God, show me what You want me to do.” Ladies, I have never before heard God’s voice so clearly, “Get up and write a book about sisters!” Of course, this was not an audible voice or in a burning bush, like with Moses. However, it was unmistakable that the Holy Spirit was telling me what I should do. For the first time in all these years of hearing His gentle nudges, I knew I could not ignore God’s prompting any longer. Though this task was somewhat scary and intimidating, I was immediately filled with enthusiasm and a desire to share everything God has taught me about the Sister in Christ relationship. So . . . I got out my laptop, found those snippets of things I had written over the years, and started writing.

This last year has been a surprising and glorious adventure with my Lord.

At first, I didn’t have much of a plan. I just wrote. It was amazing how quickly it came. Within only a few days, I had written about 10,000 words. But then I hit a wall. I couldn’t think of anything else to write. I had scraps of paper with various ideas, sticky notes all over the place, and my mind was swirling with thoughts. Taking all these thoughts and ideas and forming them into a book seemed like an insurmountable task.

At one point, I talked with my sisters about it. They helped me think about how this book did not have to be a perfectly outlined and organized thesis paper, but more like a letter to a friend. That opened my mind up and helped me not worry so much about getting everything perfect. I just wrote letters to my Sisters in Christ, sharing my faith.

In September, I finished the very first draft of the book, about 17,800 words. I printed it and gave it to my sisters. I was elated. It felt like I imagine people feel when giving birth, like something they’ve waited for has finally happened. It felt like a sweet adventure that God and I had been on together. He had given me words that I didn’t even know were in me. I felt close to him, cared for by him, and proud of myself for being willing to do this with him. It was a little scary, but I knew it was right and good.

But that joy didn’t last. Satan quickly attacked my resolve and my confidence. I got distracted, overwhelmed, and depressed.

I had a lot to learn in how to write and self-publish a book. So many choices and so many different mountains to climb to get to the finish line. How do I create all the extra parts in a book–acknowledgments, introduction, endnotes? Do I need a preface? How do I format my book? How do I apply for a copyright license? It hasn’t been all fun and glamorous. At times, I felt overwhelmed by all that I didn’t know.

Often, when I would get stuck or stressed, I recognized that I was not spending enough time with God. So many times during this writing journey, I went to my porch, sat and looked out at the beautiful trees, listened to the birds, and just fervently prayed for God to give me wisdom, help, and comfort. These were not weak, general prayers. I talked with him about my concerns and openly confessed my frustrations at this whole process. I begged and pleaded with him. “God, I know you want me to do this, but I don’t know how. Show me. Help me. I can’t do this without you!” EVERY time I asked God for help, He provided more than I asked for.

I remember one time when I had been stuck on my introduction for days, and I walked back into the house after one such prayer and finished my introduction in a few hours. Another time, when I had written no words for weeks, I went inside and wrote about 5000 words that day. God has been faithful during this whole experience to guide me, help me, and equip me.

But just because God calls you to a mission or wants you to take a certain path doesn’t mean it will always be fun or easy. Sometimes it is just hard work! There were times when I realized I simply had to be obedient. Sometimes I didn’t want to write or do whatever editing task was at hand. But I had to practice self-discipline and make myself get out the laptop and work.

Sharing my work with others has been very humbling. It is like standing naked in front of someone and asking them if you are beautiful or worthy. My work is personal. It represents a very special moment between me and God and also a willingness for me to try something new. So if people don’t like it, it is disheartening. I know it shouldn’t matter to me, but it sometimes does. Throughout this process, I have had to pray a lot to focus not on other’s opinions but on God’s guidance.

After each round of editing, when I would share my book with beta readers and read their suggestions, critiques, and opinions, I was faced with a powerful decision. Whose voice will I listen to? Yes, God used these others to speak to me and give me wisdom, but I could not allow their comments to overshadow His words. In the end, I had to ask God which edits to keep and which edits to toss out the window.

I had to continually remind myself to write for an audience of ONE–my Lord–offering every word solely to Him.

As I look back on this experience, I am filled with abundant joy from all God has shown me of Himself during this past year.

God truly does give us the desires of our hearts. I never wanted to write a book, but the Lord placed that dream in my heart. He is a dream-maker who gives us dreams and hopes and desires beyond our own imagination.
God will equip us for whatever task he calls us to. We don’t have to worry that we don’t have what it takes–He does!
God is faithful. He wants to help us and provide for us. But sometimes He does wait for us to come to Him and ask. So I need to stop striving and trying to do everything on my own, and I must spend more time abiding.

I am so thankful He called me to do this task. At times it has been exhausting and stressful, but overall it has been an incredible, growing adventure.

God has an adventure he wants to take with each one of us. What path is He asking you to travel down? Will you follow Him? Take that leap of faith, the first step, and enjoy the journey with your Lord!

Living in the Valley

Everyone experiences moments when they are weary of their current job or mission. What do you do to get out of that slump and find joy in the journey again?

Today I woke up and just had a case of the “don’ts.” I don’t want to do my job. I don’t see much progress. I don’t have a clear vision or purpose in my head. I don’t have much motivation to keep pushing forward. I just DON’T. I think everyone has this problem sometimes. The ministry or job or mission we once were excited about has now become a chore, drudgery, unfulfilling, overwhelming, exhausting, or altogether NOT exciting. I call this place “the valley.” The wonderful honeymoon period is over, and now it’s just work. Umph! Everyone will experience being in the valley at some moment in life. Maybe it will just last a day; maybe it will last years.

So what do you do to survive when you’re there? And how do you claw your way out of the valley to once again find that mountaintop enthusiasm? I don’t have all the answers, but I do have plenty of experience living in this valley place. So I will share with you what I do when I am living in the valley.

Recognize Satan’s desire for you to be wandering around in the valley. The first thing I have to do is open my eyes to Satan’s attacks on me and the mission God has called me to. The Enemy wants me disillusioned, frustrated, and unmotivated. As soon as I become aware that my diminished excitement might be used by the Enemy, it heightens my desire to get up and fight and put my armor on. Sometimes just the visual in my head of Satan smiling at my current attitude is enough to get me up and working again.
Change your perspective. Try looking at the long-term goal instead of the short term. You might not be seeing immediate results in what you are doing, but you can recognize that your efforts will pay off in the end. For example, maybe you haven’t lost a lot of weight this week, but maybe you are making life-long healthy habits that will benefit you for years. Or maybe you need just the opposite–to look only at the short-term instead of the long-term. Sometimes for me, I’m so caught up in the long-term lofty goals that I become overwhelmed. So I will just focus on the very short-term. What do I need to do today? I will stop worrying about all that lies ahead and just take the next step. Or maybe you need to redefine what success looks like in your current situation. It’s possible you’re being too hard on yourself. Find the positives instead of focusing on the negatives. What is working? What part of your mission is satisfying? Just try to look at your situation with new eyes and see if a small perspective shift can offer you big encouragement.
Pray specifically about your situation. Ask God to give you a clear vision, wisdom for what to do next, or renewed enthusiasm. Ask Him to let you know if this mission is still where he wants you or if He is calling you to something different. Sometimes we are in the valley because we actually are off course. Maybe we are not where God wants us to be, and He is trying to get our attention to guide us on another path. Don’t just pray general prayers. Be bold and be specific. God is a miracle-worker. Have faith that He can and will do big things in your life. And pray often. Have an on-going conversation with Him, and eventually, you will hear Him loud and clear.
Talk to your brothers and sisters in Christ. God has given us others to help speak wisdom into our lives. Sometimes it just takes talking out your struggles and worries with someone else to move out of the valley. However, I caution you to always check your friend’s wisdom against God’s Word. Don’t allow worldly views to overshadow God’s Truth. But the wise counsel of friends can be a huge help and encouragement whenever you are floundering.
Listen to some good praise and worship music. God designed us to respond to music. It is very therapeutic and can sometimes be just the thing you need to flip the switch from being depressed and frustrated to energetic and optimistic. So find some songs that minister to your soul, and sing out loudly to praise the Lord.
Take a small break to step back from it all. It is ok to stop and do something else. Maybe take a day off of work. Go for a walk. Take a bubble bath. Many times we believe that we must push through our difficulties and forge ahead. But actually, there are times when the opposite is needed. Sometimes it is best to just stop everything. Even Jesus took time to escape his own duties to have time alone and seek the Lord. So it is ok for you to take a moment to refresh your spirit and renew your vision.
Most importantly, lean into God. Of course, that’s easier said than done. Christians talk all the time about “abiding in Christ,” but what does that mean exactly? How do you do that when you are discouraged, confused, and weary? Here’s my suggestion–instead of thinking about inviting God into your life, recognize that He is already there. Right now, I’m sitting in my living room alone, thinking that I should wake up my kids to get started for the day but really, I just want to go back to sleep. So here is what I am doing to get myself back on track… I actually visualize Jesus sitting on the couch across from me, like a close friend has stopped by to visit. I imagine Him smiling at me, encouraging me, reminding me to take it just one moment at a time. In some ways, it’s easier to think about what a close friend might say to me (but really often, those close friends ARE the voice of Jesus). I let myself really feel His presence comforting me. I imagine what I think He would say to me at this moment. Sometimes it might be, “Go back to sleep, my daughter. You need some rest.” Other times it might be, “Come on. Get up. We have work to do TOGETHER.” This technique can be both convicting and motivating. Let’s be honest. When we are alone, we do lots of things we wouldn’t do if someone was watching. So (in a very non-condemning way), recognize that the Lord IS watching you. He IS present. That is both comforting and a bit terrifying. But sometimes we need a little of both to get us going–a friend but also some accountability.

The above suggestions are not a magic formula. They are simply various ideas that have helped me over the years. Remember, God is not surprised by your current emotional state. He knows you will be in the valley at some point, maybe even the desert (and He’s had plenty of experience with people in these lonely, unpleasant places). He knows that whatever mission He has called you to will require Him. He doesn’t want you independent. He wants you dependent on Him. So if you are feeling lost, wondering what in the world you are doing or why you are doing it, or are just weary on the journey, you are not alone. Being in the valley does not mean you lack faith or are doing something wrong; it is just a common stop on the path of life. My hope is that you won’t stay there long. But as you persevere in your valley moment, I pray that you find peace in the loving hands of the Almighty Father.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Walking by Flashlight

Since we can only see one step at a time, our journey of faith requires trust and dependence on God. Are you willing to walk by faith and not by sight?

I am a planner! I love to think three steps ahead so I can be prepared for anything. Unfortunately, life does not always allow me this luxury. As if life wasn’t already full of ups and downs, now with COVID, I never know how my plans might change from day today. From quarantines to canceled gatherings to unexpected illnesses, each day has unanticipated surprises. Some of you may thrive on the spontaneous nature of life, but I find it frustrating and extremely challenging.

In the song, “Still” by Hillary Scott, she sings “I get scared when I can’t see the end and all you want from me is to let go.” That is me! I can handle almost anything if I can see how it is going to end or where the path is leading. But put me in a situation where I cannot plan much in advance or predict what will happen, and I start feeling panicky.

However, I have realized that mostly this is by God’s design, not by accident. When the Israelites were in the desert, God could have chosen to mark a path to the Promised Land the whole way from beginning to end. But instead, He guided them daily, only giving them enough food for one day at a time. Because of this, the Israelites had to rely on God. They had to look to Him to show the path and provide for their needs. Independence was not an option, and trust was critical.

As I ponder this method of God’s guidance, it reminds me of a father carefully walking his child on a path through a dark forest. In one hand, the father gently holds the tender hand of his child with a firm grip, making sure to squeeze just enough to provide assurance and yet not so much it is stifling. With the other hand, he holds a small flashlight. With it, he illuminates just enough of the path that the child can see the next few steps. The father knows the path very well; he knows where every low-lying branch is above and where every small hole in the path will be. He knows where the trail turns, when it gets narrow, and when there is a treacherous cliff close by. The father also knows exactly where the path will end and what the breathtaking view will be like when they arrive.

Though the father knows the way well, the child is hesitant and unsure of what to expect. Surrounded by such darkness, only able to see small bits and pieces of the illuminated path, she must trust her father knows the way and will guide her accurately. She must expect he will protect her and let her know when she needs to duck for a branch or walk around an obstacle. If she lets go of his hand, she may find herself less likely to sense his perfect guidance. If she tries to walk ahead without him, she may find herself way off course or in a dangerous circumstance. It is best for her to take small steps, holding closely to her father’s hand, listening to his careful warnings, and willing to obey instantly when he gives direction. I can see this girl holding her father’s hand, looking up at him with such awe and trust, confident he will not fail her. She is safe, and she doesn’t need anything else but him.

This is the girl I long to be. Instead of desperately trying to take the flashlight away so I can run ahead and find my own way, I pray I can breathe deeply of my Father’s goodness and truly walk my path in peace, knowing He will show me every step I must take. Instead of squinting my eyes to try to discern what lurks ahead in the darkness, I hope to be focused only on what the flashlight illuminates, recognizing that God is pointing the light in a certain place for a specific purpose, trying to show me exactly what I need to see. If I spend so much time trying to look ahead, I may miss what he is pointing out right in front of my feet! I desire to trust Him so completely I stop asking Him, “Are we there yet?” and just enjoy each moment of the journey.

2 Corinthians 5:7 reminds us we “walk by faith, not by sight.” We push forward on our way not because we can see the end, but because we trust the One who is leading us. Today, as we each encounter the uncertainties of life and the surprises on our paths, I pray we will remember to grab hold of our heavenly Father’s hand, breath a deep sigh of relief that we have the perfect all-knowing guide right beside us, and then confidently take the next step on our journey without worrying about all the rest.