dreams – Growing By Surprise

My Writing Journey

In about a week, my book, Sister Talk, is going to be available on Amazon. It seems unreal. Never in my life did I think I would be a published author.

I’ve daydreamed of being a famous singer. I’ve thought about creating my own math curriculum and imagined having a huge online math course business. To be honest, I have even desperately hoped to be Miss America (obviously in my younger years.) But not once did I have the dream of writing a book. That plan is all God’s. So let me tell you the story of how this book came into being.

About ten years ago, God started whispering in my ear that He wanted me to write. He didn’t say what or how or when or why. I just kept feeling Him urging me to write. I often put Him off, questioned Him, and flat out ignored Him. I would say, “I don’t know how!” or “What would I write?” or “I don’t have time.” Occasionally I would pull out a journal and write some things down, but I never fully embraced this calling. Ultimately, I allowed myself to believe I must have misheard God. Surely, He did not really mean for me to write a book.

You see, I am not a writer by occupation or even for recreation. Before beginning this book, I had written only a handful of things that were not for a school project—some notes for a few speeches and an occasional journal entry. Overall, writing has never been my hobby or love. I am a math teacher at heart. I received my undergraduate degree in Mathematics and Education and then my Masters in Curriculum and Instruction. I have always had a passion for education.

However, God loves to use us in ways we never imagined. He delights in pulling us and stretching us beyond our abilities, all the while showing us how amazingly He equips us for whatever mission to which He calls us.

The title Sister to Sister echoed in my mind over the years. A few times, I chose to write a short blurb about my experiences with my sisters or how they had ministered to me. But I never put much effort into any of it. I was busy with life—kids, church, and other ministries. However, the COVID Pandemic of 2020 halted most activities. Everything slowed down, and, for the first time, I found myself bored, wondering what to do with myself.

One afternoon in August, I laid down on my couch and prayed for God to help me see how I should spend my extra time. “God, show me what You want me to do.” Ladies, I have never before heard God’s voice so clearly, “Get up and write a book about sisters!” Of course, this was not an audible voice or in a burning bush, like with Moses. However, it was unmistakable that the Holy Spirit was telling me what I should do. For the first time in all these years of hearing His gentle nudges, I knew I could not ignore God’s prompting any longer. Though this task was somewhat scary and intimidating, I was immediately filled with enthusiasm and a desire to share everything God has taught me about the Sister in Christ relationship. So . . . I got out my laptop, found those snippets of things I had written over the years, and started writing.

This last year has been a surprising and glorious adventure with my Lord.

At first, I didn’t have much of a plan. I just wrote. It was amazing how quickly it came. Within only a few days, I had written about 10,000 words. But then I hit a wall. I couldn’t think of anything else to write. I had scraps of paper with various ideas, sticky notes all over the place, and my mind was swirling with thoughts. Taking all these thoughts and ideas and forming them into a book seemed like an insurmountable task.

At one point, I talked with my sisters about it. They helped me think about how this book did not have to be a perfectly outlined and organized thesis paper, but more like a letter to a friend. That opened my mind up and helped me not worry so much about getting everything perfect. I just wrote letters to my Sisters in Christ, sharing my faith.

In September, I finished the very first draft of the book, about 17,800 words. I printed it and gave it to my sisters. I was elated. It felt like I imagine people feel when giving birth, like something they’ve waited for has finally happened. It felt like a sweet adventure that God and I had been on together. He had given me words that I didn’t even know were in me. I felt close to him, cared for by him, and proud of myself for being willing to do this with him. It was a little scary, but I knew it was right and good.

But that joy didn’t last. Satan quickly attacked my resolve and my confidence. I got distracted, overwhelmed, and depressed.

I had a lot to learn in how to write and self-publish a book. So many choices and so many different mountains to climb to get to the finish line. How do I create all the extra parts in a book–acknowledgments, introduction, endnotes? Do I need a preface? How do I format my book? How do I apply for a copyright license? It hasn’t been all fun and glamorous. At times, I felt overwhelmed by all that I didn’t know.

Often, when I would get stuck or stressed, I recognized that I was not spending enough time with God. So many times during this writing journey, I went to my porch, sat and looked out at the beautiful trees, listened to the birds, and just fervently prayed for God to give me wisdom, help, and comfort. These were not weak, general prayers. I talked with him about my concerns and openly confessed my frustrations at this whole process. I begged and pleaded with him. “God, I know you want me to do this, but I don’t know how. Show me. Help me. I can’t do this without you!” EVERY time I asked God for help, He provided more than I asked for.

I remember one time when I had been stuck on my introduction for days, and I walked back into the house after one such prayer and finished my introduction in a few hours. Another time, when I had written no words for weeks, I went inside and wrote about 5000 words that day. God has been faithful during this whole experience to guide me, help me, and equip me.

But just because God calls you to a mission or wants you to take a certain path doesn’t mean it will always be fun or easy. Sometimes it is just hard work! There were times when I realized I simply had to be obedient. Sometimes I didn’t want to write or do whatever editing task was at hand. But I had to practice self-discipline and make myself get out the laptop and work.

Sharing my work with others has been very humbling. It is like standing naked in front of someone and asking them if you are beautiful or worthy. My work is personal. It represents a very special moment between me and God and also a willingness for me to try something new. So if people don’t like it, it is disheartening. I know it shouldn’t matter to me, but it sometimes does. Throughout this process, I have had to pray a lot to focus not on other’s opinions but on God’s guidance.

After each round of editing, when I would share my book with beta readers and read their suggestions, critiques, and opinions, I was faced with a powerful decision. Whose voice will I listen to? Yes, God used these others to speak to me and give me wisdom, but I could not allow their comments to overshadow His words. In the end, I had to ask God which edits to keep and which edits to toss out the window.

I had to continually remind myself to write for an audience of ONE–my Lord–offering every word solely to Him.

As I look back on this experience, I am filled with abundant joy from all God has shown me of Himself during this past year.

God truly does give us the desires of our hearts. I never wanted to write a book, but the Lord placed that dream in my heart. He is a dream-maker who gives us dreams and hopes and desires beyond our own imagination.
God will equip us for whatever task he calls us to. We don’t have to worry that we don’t have what it takes–He does!
God is faithful. He wants to help us and provide for us. But sometimes He does wait for us to come to Him and ask. So I need to stop striving and trying to do everything on my own, and I must spend more time abiding.

I am so thankful He called me to do this task. At times it has been exhausting and stressful, but overall it has been an incredible, growing adventure.

God has an adventure he wants to take with each one of us. What path is He asking you to travel down? Will you follow Him? Take that leap of faith, the first step, and enjoy the journey with your Lord!

A God Moment

A testimony of how God ministered to me in the midst of my pity party

Today’s blog post is a little different. I don’t have a specific topic or message in mind. I’m just going to share a moment from my week, giving you a testimony of how God has ministered to me tenderly and personally. My hope is that your faith and trust in our Lord are strengthened, and you realize you’re not alone in the mess and craziness of life.

To set the stage a bit, Tuesday morning, after getting out of bed and simply feeling depressed, I crawled back in bed and began to chat with my husband. Well, let’s be honest, I wasn’t just chatting. I was having a pity party. I rambled on and on about everything that was not going well. I remember saying, “I just wish one thing in my life could work really well!” Have you ever been there? It’s not a great place to be, but nevertheless, that was where I was on Tuesday morning.

Here are a few things that were the topic of my pity party rant…

My daughter’s reading skills – My sweet daughter struggles so much. I know this is mostly due to her genetic condition, but having a reason doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Since I homeschool her, it is easy to feel the weight of responsibility for her education and allow that to overwhelm me. Sometimes I can rise above and just take it one day at a time, but recently it has been hard to do that.
My weight – This is a constant battle for me. I am not terribly overweight, but I know I would feel so much better and be healthier if I could lose about 25 pounds. But all I want to do is shove food in my face. I feel like an animal about to hibernate for winter, wanting to store up as much food as I can! It’s terrible. I had been slowly losing until about Thanksgiving, and then I started gaining it back. Urgh. It just makes me irritated that I can’t have more self-control.
My house – Since the weather has been so yucky recently, I have been home even more than usual. Not much opportunity for field trips and park days when it’s rainy and cold. So I’m in my house a lot, and the walls are closing in on me. My house is tiny, and it’s crammed with stuff. As much as I try to organize and purge, I keep stepping over piles here and there. It feels as though I can never actually get it clean and tidy, which is very distracting to me when I am trying to get anything done.
My baking skills – A few days before, I spent hours baking small cakes for a girls’ cake decorating activity. They all were a crumbly mess and had to be completely redone. It’s so frustrating to not be able to do such a seemingly simple task. I felt like such a failure as a woman (even though I know that’s such a silly thing to think!)
My book – God has put it on my heart to write a book about all the joys and challenges of being a Sister in Christ. I started working on it in November, and I’m now on my fourth draft. It seems I keep recognizing things I need to change or improve. Recently, I have been trying to write my introduction, which is a huge struggle for me. Not only is writing NOT my natural gift (only a God-inspired calling), but I just have been at a loss for what to say and how to introduce the topic of my book. I am confident God wants me to write this book, but the words have not been coming.

Now, I realize that all of these things are insignificant compared to so many challenges and hardships others face (or even ones I have faced before). But the point of this post is not to show you the difficulties in my life, but rather how EVERYONE struggles…and how God showed up in the midst of my pity party!

First, my husband was so sweet. He just let me have my pity party with no judgment. He was supportive and encouraging, and he gave me a chance to talk out my frustrations. In doing that, I realized I needed to do something helpful and productive instead of going to eat some leftover cake, which is what I desperately wanted to do.

So, then I decided to go exercise. Now, this is not something I do regularly, though I know I should. I have an aversion to physical activity. But I knew that exercising would be a step in the right direction toward losing weight, and it would help improve my mood. So I got on my workout clothes, grabbed a bottle of water, did about 30 minutes of a workout video, and released some endorphins!

It was amazing how much just that one thing helped get me motivated for the day. I sat on the couch, ready for the next task. And I sat some more. And then I sat some more. You see, it’s great to have motivation, but you also have to a vision, discipline, courage, discernment, knowledge, and so many other qualities in order to tackle life’s challenges. I sat there still feeling overwhelmed. I had carved out the time to write in my book this day, but I was stumped. I had no words, no ideas, no inspiration. I realized what I desperately needed was to hear from the Lord.

I wasn’t sure what to read in my Bible, but I flipped through a journal that had the promises of God. One, in particular, caught my eye. “God will finish what he started” was the headline for the verse from Philippians 1:6. A few pages over, I read “God will supply for all our needs” as the title for Philippians 4:19. God seemed to be leading me to the book of Philippians.

I sat on my couch and listened to the whole book of Philippians all at once. [Side note: About a week ago, God put it on my heart that I needed to dedicate more time specifically to writing this book. He had called me to this task, yet I was just trying to squeeze it in when I could. I had not made it a priority. He inspired me to set aside this day for writing (and for Him), so I had already made sure I had several uninterrupted hours with no other goals for this time. This made it so much easier for me to spend the time reading a whole book of the Bible.] I sipped my coffee and listened, and God poured into my soul. It seemed like the whole book of Philippians was written just for me and just for this moment.

Image result for my god will meet all your needs

Here are a few of the parts that ministered to me…

1:6 – “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to the completion.” I KNOW God meant for me to write this book where I share my faith and inspire others to embrace their calling as Sisters in Christ. So God reminded me that HE will finish what HE started.

1:18 – “The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.” I realized that my heart was in the right place, and I was trying to share Christ with the world through this book. If I don’t write it perfectly or use the right words or stories, it is ok. The point is that “Christ is preached.”

2:5-8 – This is a section that begins with “Have the same mindset as Christ Jesus” and ends with “he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death–even death on a cross.” A great reminder of how I, too, must be humble and obedient.

2:14 – “Do everything without grumbling or arguing…then you will shine among them like stars.” In light of the previous section of Christ humbling himself, all my sorrows pale in comparison to Christ’s suffering. As I continued to read, my heart more easily recognized how silly some of my concerns were. I just needed to stop moaning and complaining and do what I needed to do.

3:13 – “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Oh, how I need to leave the past in the past and forget any failures or missteps that might be causing me to lack courage. I must push onward toward the goal.

4:1 – “Stand firm in the Lord” and 4:6 – “Do not be anxious about anything.” More good encouragement!

4:8 – “Whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” I must discipline my mind and take my thoughts captive. If I fill my mind with Christ, he will overflow from my heart into the words I write.

4:9 – “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice.” That sounds like the Lord is telling me to write down my testimony right now!

4:19 – “My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Wow! What more do I need to hear but this?

Of course, those are just the highlights! Philippians is filled with so many more powerful ideas. I can only say that after listening to this, I felt full. My anxiety was gone and replaced with a bold passion for sharing my faith through my writing. I got out my computer, started writing, and I had that troublesome introduction done after a few hours and several more revisions and edits completed by the end of the night! It was a surreal experience. God made it so clear to me how much I can trust Him to guide and help me when I am simply willing to be obedient to His leading.

A few days later, I read chapter 7 in the book Chase the Lion by Mark Batterson. This whole book is about pursuing God-sized dreams. This chapter focuses on how dreams like this don’t just happen easily; they require effort, diligence, a long obedience in the same direction, and a deep sense of stick-to-itiveness. He ends the chapter by saying, “If God has released you (from the dream)…you need to let it go. And don’t look back. If God hasn’t released you, don’t let go! You have to hang in there. And when it feels as though you can’t hold on any longer, remember Eleazar, whose hand literally froze to the sword (a reference to 2 Samuel 23:10).”

That spoke directly to me and my situation. It is easy to be in the middle of a God-inspired dream and believe you must have misheard God because it is NOT working out the way you think it should. And that is where I have been over the last few weeks regarding this book. But Tuesday, when God spoke to me through the book of Philippians and breathed words into me so easily and naturally, it was evident that God has NOT released me from this dream, this mission. I must hang on, even when it feels hard or pointless.

There are so many other simple ways that God ministered to me this week, but I think I’ll have to leave that for another post. My pity party is over. God has given me renewed hope, vision, purpose, and passion. I have not solved all the problems I listed above, but I have changed my perspective, and that makes such a difference. I am so thankful for the Lord and the sweet, personal ways that He loves each one of us.

I pray you can see the Lord’s tender mercies in your own life today!

The Idols in Our Lives

Do you allow anything other than God to pull at your heart, steer your path, or influence your actions? Are there certain people, dreams, or circumstances that distract you from God and His mission? Whether we realize it or not, idols can invade our lives in very subtle ways, promising to fulfill us and then eventually leaving us unsatisfied and discontent.

To be honest, when I was a newer Christian, and we discussed the Ten Commandments in Bible class or had a devotional about the idols in our lives, I kind of dismissed the topic, convinced I didn’t have any idols in my life. I would say to myself, “Of course, the Lord is the one true God and my only love. I would never put any other before Him. I would never worship another god.” I had the misconception that idols would be obvious in my life, such as a specific addiction, very apparent worship of something (other than God), or over-the-top obsession. I falsely believed that having an idol in your life was a conscious decision to put something else above God. How wrong I was!

Idols can be very sneaky. Without you knowing, they can pry their way into your heart very subtly, masquerading as something Godly. They can even begin as good intentions or God-inspired ideals and then become twisted and warped by our own fleshly nature.

1 John 5:21 says, “Dear Children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” Wow! When you put it that way, I’m immediately convicted. Maybe I do have idols in my life, after all. What is it that has taken over God’s rightful place in my heart?

Is it my need for perfection? Do I put so much effort into being a “good” Christian that I let that guide my heart more than God? Some people fill their day with a list of To-Do items, desperately trying to satisfy an image they have in their head of what success means, even Godly success. Cooking perfect meals, planning engaging lessons, preparing awe-inspiring sermons or blog posts, creating beautifully wrapped care-packages for a neighbor–all these things are good and worthy causes. But are they your purpose or mission? Of course not; the purpose of these things is to minister to or bless others and share Christ through that ministry. If we lose sight of that and focus our thoughts on the product or result instead of the purpose, or if we spend so much time DOING this work that we don’t spend time ABIDING in Christ, then we have made those things our idols.

Is my idol my desire for validation and approval? Do I let other people’s opinions of me overshadow what God says is true? Do I allow others’ words to carry more weight in my heart than God’s Word? Maybe I am doing certain tasks just to get noticed instead of in obedience to God. I might avoid being bold about sharing my faith or go along with the crowd when I should be the voice of Jesus in a situation. Or I could simply allow my mind to be filled with others’ thoughts and ideas instead of with the Lord’s Truth. (I wrote a post a while back about false joy and how easily my world can crumble when I hear a harsh word from a friend or family, even if I fully disagree with what they have said and know they have an inaccurate perception of me.) Our need for acceptance can easily become an idol, causing us to dismiss the Spirit’s voice in our lives.

Could my idols be my children and my husband? Have I made my life so much about them that God has been pushed aside and is given only a small pittance of my time and energy? Maybe we give so much of ourselves to our families that we forget to give ourselves to the Lord. Yes, we all have responsibilities to serve our children and spouses. We have jobs and housework and mission work that we cannot just overlook. But caring for our homes, our families, and our friends should be a response to our relationship with Christ, not a substitute. We cannot look to our husbands and children to fill our needs. We should not care so much about pleasing them that we neglect other aspects of God’s calling in our lives. We must not put spending time with them above spending time with the Lord.

When I reflect on my life, I can see how these kinds of idols have crept into my mind and relationships during different seasons. There are moments I do a good job of pushing them out of my life almost completely. But if I am not careful, they will creep back in ever so slyly.

These idols in our lives, these things that try to replace God in our hearts–they find their way into our hearts because of our longings, our desires, our desperations for things that will fill the holes in our lives. But idols are FALSE gods. They aren’t the real thing, so they will never satisfy us, and they will never fully quench our thirst. Only God can do that. In fact, that’s a good way to discern an idol in your life–something you seek after and yet never satisfies your longing.

My house will never be clean enough. My kids will never be obedient enough. My marriage will never be fulfilling enough. My writing will never be good enough. My friendships will never be deep enough…

There is not ENOUGH in this world because God designed us for eternal desire. No other idol in our life will ever fill us, satisfy us, or complete us. There will only be one thing that is enough for us–our sweet Lord.

“For He satisfies the longing soul.” (Psalm 107:9)

May you spend your days seeking after the only one who will satisfy all the longings of your soul!

What Are Your Dreams?

Sometimes God doesn’t fulfill our dreams, but He always give us what we need.

When you were young, did you ever play MASH with your friends? It’s a creative exercise where you write down possibilities for the type of house you will live in, the car you will drive, the person you will marry, the job you will do, the number of children you will have, or other aspects of your future. You write down your dreams but also some options that would be the opposite of your desire. There are a variety of ways to play, but ultimately you end up circling one option in each category and this supposedly foretells your future. Of course, during the process, you are crossing your fingers that you won’t get certain unfortunate options, like the shack and the station wagon.

One of the fun aspects of this game is that each person’s unique personality impacts what is written on the paper and represents a “win” in this game. For some, a cozy cottage in England would be just perfect, while others desperately want a mansion in LA. When I played, I always wanted the mansion and a convertible sports car. I remember daydreaming with my sisters about where we would want to live when we were older. Some wanted a country farm, away from the hustle and bustle of the city–quiet, charming, simple. Not me. I wanted a castle house. You know, those houses that have all the intricate rooflines, made of brick and stone, that you drive by and think, “Wow, that looks like a castle!” That’s what I wanted. I absolutely did NOT want to live in the country, be on a farm, or be away from the city. I desired to be right in the middle of it all and have all the glitz and glamour of city life. My parents jokingly remarked one time that I better make sure I marry for money if I’m going to have all I was dreaming of.

So flash forward about 30 years, and where am I now? I live in a single wide mobile home on 2.5 acres of land in the country. We have chickens in our backyard, I drive a minivan, and I can assure you my life has no glitz or glamour. We live a modest, simple life…and I love it!

What happened to my dreams? How did I go from having a real aversion to living in the country to having such delight in my country home? My only explanation is that God understands our dreams better than we do ourselves, and He has given me the dream He knew I needed. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Some may translate this as, “Believe in the Lord, and He will give you what you want (assuming it’s within His will).” But when I read this verse, I hear it as, “Trust in the Lord and commit yourself to following His will, and God will change your heart so you desire what He wants you to have.” Honestly, I’m not a Biblical scholar, so I’m not sure what the original meaning of those words is. But my interpretation of the verse is what God has shown to be true in my life so many times. If I will fully embrace God, trust Him, and submit my will to Him, then He will transform my life and my dreams to match His.

I never specifically decided I didn’t want to live in the city. I did not weigh the pros and cons and make a choice that country life was what I needed. God simply spent years transforming my heart, changing my desires, and drawing me close to Him. Through so many varied experiences and the power of the Spirit, God lovingly put in my heart the desires I now have.

So I don’t look back at lost dreams as a regret. My childish dreams may have satisfied me for a moment, but I am thankful God did not give me what I asked for. He knew the joy I would feel looking out at the trees and listening to the birds’ beautiful song. He understood how much I would appreciate the space for our children to run and play outside. And He recognized the benefit I would gain from living a simple, modest life, rather than feeling the pressure that sometimes comes with the “glitz and glamour.” Instead of feeling regret, I smile and cherish the tender way God has given me beyond what I dreamed, better than what I imagined, and more than I expected.

God is the ultimate dream maker. What unexpected dreams has he inspired in you?