Jennifer Dugger

What do I really mean when I say “I can’t?”

My sweet James says very few words, but one phrase he has down well is “I can’t.” The other day, I asked him to pick up a piece of playdoh he had purposely thrown on the floor. He looked at me and in a whining voice said, “I can’t.” I stared straight back at him and replied, “Yes, you can!” He proceeded to argue, and of course, that’s when my stubborn streak kicked in. It was a stand-off. Would he pick up the playdoh or not? Would I back down or stand firm?

It took about 30 minutes of me standing post between the kitchen (where the playdoh was) and the hallway to his bedroom, insisting that he could not go play unless he picked up that piece of playdoh, before he finally chose to obey. He slowly scooped up the playdoh, dropped it in the trash can, and immediately started to sob. Of course, I hugged him and told him how proud I was of him for obeying, but it took a little while for the tears to subside.

I’m not certain why James started to cry, but this is something he does often when he finally submits and obeys. I’ve noticed this reaction many times and I have wondered what he is really feeling inside that brings out such intense emotion. My suspicion is that he is overcome with a reality we all must face–submitting your will is hard and requires allowing a little part of yourself to die and yet it also comes with a sense of relief. Galatians 5:24 says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires,” and Jesus reminds us that “anyone who would come after me must deny himself (Luke 9:23).” When we obey, it requires us to sacrifice the fleshly part of us that wants our own way. It demands we fully recognize that our way is not best. That is not easy, and it hurts! But when we do it, God’s spirit within us can’t help but rejoice also. Even in the emotional pain of having to lose part of our fleshly selves, we know deep inside that what we did was good and pleasing to God. So maybe when James obeys he is feeling the sadness of having surrendered or maybe he’s feeling a tiny sense of relief and pride in that he chose the better way.

As I continue to reflect on story about James and the playdoh, I also am struck by how he so quickly said, “I can’t,” when I knew he could. It is true that there are many things James can’t do. He can’t read. He can’t ride a bike. He can’t cut his own food with a knife. But James can bend down, pick something off the floor, and put it in a trash can. There’s no question about whether or not he can do that. So why did he say he can’t do something. What did he really mean?

I tend to believe that what James meant was, “I don’t want to.” Oh, how easy it is to make excuses for things when we don’t want to do something. I realized how often we adults do the same thing when we clearly hear God call us to do a task that seems overwhelming, uninteresting, or just not something we want to do! I have to admit I often immediately start listing reasons in my head why I can’t do whatever it is God has asked. “I don’t have the time.” “I don’t know how.” “I don’t have the money or resources.” I’m never honest and say, “I don’t want to.” I talk around the issue and dig my heels in. Sometimes I even just wait a while and hope God forgets that he asked me to do something or I act like I didn’t hear Him. I mean really, when I truly analyze what tactics I will use to avoid doing something I KNOW God wants me to do, I must admit I can be ridiculously childish. Anyone else out there willing to admit to this?

Of course, God does not always insist on His own way, like I did with James. He allows us the freedom to stubbornly refuse to obey. And oh how many blessings we miss when we do. If James had just obeyed immediately without even thinking about it, he would have avoided so much frustration and tears. If he had been able to look past the fact that he didn’t want to do something and skip right to the part where he realized all would go much better if he just obeyed, then the story of the playdoh would have been one of joy and peace instead of sadness and tension.

As I continue in my journey of faith, my desire is to take “I can’t” out of my vocabulary and stop making excuses for not answering God’s call. I must not focus on my own weaknesses, inabilities, or desires but remember to trust God’s plan, His ability, and His provision. Maybe I can’t, but GOD CAN. If I will ever truly die to myself and surrender my will to the Lord completely, how many moments of sadness, regret, and suffering I might forego. I might shed some tears at the time, but maybe they’ll be tears of joy!

Thankfulness: It’s not just about remembering the past

Around Thanksgiving, we often are asked to list the things we are thankful for–friends, family, freedom, and such. We recount what God has done for us in our lives, remembering moments from our past when he has saved us, healed us, provided for us, loved us, forgiven us, and equipped us. But what if genuine thankfulness requires more than just recalling what God has done already? Maybe, in order to embrace all that thankfulness has to offer, we must also remember what God WILL do!

God is a promise keeper, a covenant maker. Our Good Father promises to strengthen us and help us (Isaiah 41:10), never leave us or forsake us (Deut. 31:8), instruct us and teach us (Psalm 32:8), give us rest (Matt. 11:28), renew us (Isaiah 40:31), give us peace (Phil 4:6-9), fight for us (Exod. 14:14), give us wisdom (James 1:5), forgive us (1 John 1:9), and give us eternal life (John 3:16). Of course, those are just a small sampling of all God has promised to do for us. The Bible is a whole testimony to God’s love and compassion for us all; it shows us just how far He is willing to go draw us to Him. Story after story in scripture reveals how God has kept His promises in the past and how we can trust him to keep His promises in the future.

No matter what our past or present holds, we must keep our eyes focused on the future God promises us. Your past may be full of heartache, trials, and pain. The moment you are in right now may be difficult, stressful, and far from anything you desire. But thankfulness cannot be all about today and it cannot be all about the past. It is about looking to the future and remembering what God has promised He will do. I am thankful that my past and present are not all there are for me. Praise be to the Promise-Keeper who I can trust with my future!

Equipped–Not Just a Cliché

When I think about one word that really captures my walk with God, the word that God often comes to mind is EQUIPPED. “God doesn’t call the equipped; he equips the called.“ I have heard this common phrase so often in my life it almost makes me cringe. It is very cliché, and yet, so true. But sometimes it helps to hear a real testimony of how God has equipped someone to do something truly beyond their own abilities. So here is my story.

Scripture tells us that before I was born, God had a special mission for me, so He created me just for that purpose. Well God made me a type-A, introverted personality, a person with a passion for math and order, someone well-suited for an accounting type of job. He gave me great skills in organization and list-making and focused little on honing my creative skills, things like sewing, cooking, art, and so forth. My upbringing as the youngest of four girls gave me quite a bit of experience in being the baby but not much experience in caring for a baby. In fact, truthfully I never even held a baby until my first nephew was born during my senior year of high school. In my later years, I got a degree in mathematics and became a high school math teacher. Before that, my only job experience was at a video store and then later repairing printers. So you can imagine, God had perfectly designed me and EQUIPPED me for a mission of maybe writing a math textbook or organizing a math convention, right?

Of course, that’s not even close to the mission God had called me to. First, he wanted me to marry a very spontaneous, unorganized, unplanned type of man who loves to throw my world into disorder with things like last-minute travel plans or by just showing up at the house with a new pet with no warning. [And what a dear husband he is to me!] Next, God wanted me to adopt not one, but three children. And did he have me do that in a well-organized, planned way, where I got to put to good use all those mathematical, logical, organizing skills? Of course not! With the first, I had about 2 weeks’ notice before bringing a 21-month old boy into our home. Then, with the second child, we had about 24 hours’ notice before we brought home a 4-day-old boy from the hospital. And with the third, I had only about 3 hours warning before Casey showed up at our door with another 7-month-old girl.

But God didn’t stop there. He wanted to add a little extra piece to my mission. At this point, you may be thinking that surely he is going to have a wonderful use for all those math skills! But you would be wrong. Instead, my youngest two children have a rare genetic condition which means that they are both developmentally delayed in all areas. My daughter is about 3-4 grades behind in school, and my youngest son is 13 but functionally at a developmental age of about 3-4 years old. He most likely will never be able to live independently. And in addition to all that, God’s additional mission for me was to homeschool my children.

Now, I’m not writing all of this to tell you how difficult my life is or why I need an extra helping of grace. The point is that by all human standards, I was completely ill-suited for the mission God had called me to. I had no experience with little ones, no training or even real desire to work with special needs kids, and certainly NOT the personality suited for a life of adventure, spontaneity, and challenges. But God!

But God empowered me and equipped me to fulfill His purpose and mission for my life. He’s given me adaptability, perseverance, resilience, understanding, creativity, and so many other things to help me along the way. He’s brought people in my life at just the right time to support me and provided material blessings when those were needed too.

Oftentimes, following God’s call is scary and uncertain. We doubt ourselves and our abilities. We wonder if we can do what He is asking or if we have the right knowledge or skills. But we must always remember that God desires to show His glory through us so He will also equip us for the missions He chooses for us. God wants to use our weaknesses to display His strength.

If you wonder if you are able to do what He’s calling you to do, chances are YOU are not…but He is. Don’t look to yourself to decide if you can tackle the mission in front of you; look only to God. Ask yourself one question–is this the path God wants me on? If the answer is “Yes”, step forward in faith and leave the rest to Him. He WILL equip you!

My Story – Growing by Surprises

If you are wondering how I chose the name for my site, here is the explanation…

Everyone has a story. Mine is about surprises. I am a planner by nature, a type-A personality that loves predictability, checklists, and organization. Spontaneity and going with the flow are not my strengths. So if I got to choose my own life path it would be perfectly planned and orchestrated from beginning to end, with NO surprises! But God loves to use our weaknesses to show His strengths, so my story has been filled with a variety of surprises, both good and bad. These events have shaped my character, my beliefs, and my faith. In a nutshell, here are just a few of the surprises that have pruned me, strengthened me, and shaped me along the way.

Surprise, you can’t bear children! When my husband and I decided to start a family, we never expected we would have any difficulty. The struggle of infertility brought me years of tears, anxiety, and shame. We tried various fertility treatments all in vain, and this journey of pain, humiliation, and quiet desperation led me to finally seek the Lord in ways I never had before. I leaned into Him for strength and wisdom and began to start asking Him to guide my path. I began to slowly let go of my own plan.

Surprise, here’s a child just for you!…and another…and another! The story of how three children came into our lives is a long and beautiful one. Some day, I’ll write a detailed version and post it here. In short, God first brought an adorable red-headed 21-month-old into our life and we adopted him. Then, about 2 years later, the mother of that same child had another baby, and we brought that 4-day-old baby boy home from the hospital. Finally, that same mother had another little girl. I’ll never forget my husband calling me and saying, “Jennifer, get ready. I’m bringing home a little 7-month-old girl. I’ll be home in 3 hours.” So over the course of about 3 years, we adopted these 3 siblings. Each time, we had less and less warning and time for preparation, but God always provided and equipped us to adapt to each situation. God showed me that He is the ultimate planner, so I don’t have to be. He had chosen these 3 children for our family before I ever did the first fertility treatment. I learned I could trust Him to guide my path; I just had to be willing to follow.

Surprise, your house is on fire! Not long after we welcomed the third child into our home, we were awakened in the middle of the night to our house in a blaze. We were all able to escape the fire just in time, but it was a devastating loss. God taught me two main things during this time. First, you don’t need all that stuff! It’s amazing what you can do without. More importantly, I learned how to ask for help. During this time of our life, so many other things happened as well and I came to a place where I could not function without the help of others. I learned how to admit that I can’t do it all, to rely on others, and to truly accept God’s provision and all the beautiful ways He wants to give it.

Surprise, your children have 15q24microdeletion! What? I know it sounds weird. I hadn’t heard of it either and most doctors haven’t also. When we adopted our children, we had no idea that 2 of them had this rare genetic deletion. But as they grew into the toddler years, we discovered they had delays in a variety of areas. They both struggled to meet the major milestones in their growth. Our daughter, age 12 now, is several grade levels behind, struggles to read, has lots of speech difficulties, and is a very slow processor. Our son, age 13, functions at about a 3-year-old level, and he especially struggles with communication. In all honesty, I was not born as the most nurturing, compassionate, or patient person. But that’s where God can do His biggest miracles. He has taught me so much, softened me, and equipped me beyond what could ever be imagined. It is only by the grace of God and His strength in me that I am able to homeschool these 2 special needs kids. [By the way, I homeschooled our other son, age 16 now, during grades 3 to 8. He is currently doing great at a private Christian school.]

In addition to these big surprises, my daily life is full of constant twists and turns–from the frequent spontaneous ideas of my husband to the joys of home schooling in the country with 16 chickens, 2 parakeets, and a hamster, I never know what to expect from day to day. But God shows me each day how He will comfort and guide me, if I will just abide in Him and take it one day at a time as I continue Growing by Surprise.

Moving Through the Grief: Finding My Way to Acceptance

I have always heard about the five stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Until recently, I never realized I have personally experienced all these same stages of grief regarding the diagnosis of my son’s disability. So I have decided to describe some of the emotions I have felt on my own journey. For those of you who are parenting a special needs child or maybe just know someone who is, I hope it gives you a little insight into the complexity of all the feelings that go along with this special path many are on.

Denial…When James was young, I knew he was delayed but I had a hard time admitting that he had a real disability. He had difficulty walking, talking, and eating, and we had been told he had a genetic deletion. But he was young and nobody knew much about this deletion anyway. I knew things were challenging, but I could never really admit that we were past the level of just a learning disability or a mild delay and had moved into the realm of a life-time, permanent disability. I remember being surprised when a stranger, who had noticed the difficulty I was having with James, walked up to me and handed me a card for a mother’s day out program geared toward kids with special needs. This woman knew that my son was “different”, but I still was in denial.

Anger…The desperation of trying to find a solution to all of James’s challenges just caused frustration. Nothing was working. Nobody had much information to give us. My anger often was focused on everyone else. Why would nobody help us? Sometimes it was focused on my son. I thought he just needed to try harder. Other times I was angry that I had to deal with this at all. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I have a “normal” life with “normal” kids? [And yes, I realize it’s terrible to say this but I believe it’s important to be authentic about the not-s0-Godly emotions we have.] Why couldn’t I have the life everyone else had? Looking back, it’s almost embarrassing to think about the anger I felt toward so many people, including my son, but I also recognize it was part of my growing process.

Bargaining…This is where my feistiness kicked in. Ok, so James has this disability, but I bet we can do something about it. Surely with the right therapy and with time, he can improve and catch up. I thought, “This is just temporary. There must be a way to fix this. There must be something I can do!” Honestly, I think I went back and forth between anger and bargaining, or maybe I experienced them at the same time. During this season, I was always busy trying to find solutions. I wore myself out working, and when I wasn’t working, I was thinking about what I should try next. My mind never stopped. This was a place of constant striving and then disappointment when my expectations were not met.

Depression…After so much striving, I moved into this dark place and stayed here a while. Exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, and frustrated, I struggled each day to just keep moving forward. What was the point? I tried so many things with seemingly little progress. When progress is so slow it is hard to even see it, and I often got bored and hopeless teaching the same thing over and over with no success. I cannot tell you how many years I spent trying to teach James his alphabet using every possible method, and he still does not know but 1 or 2 letters. During this season, I did finally go to counseling. I didn’t know how to define what I was feeling, but my therapist looked at me after only a few minutes of my first session and asked, “How long have you been depressed?” I had described my life to her as if I were swimming in the ocean trying to tread water and holding everyone else’s head above water at the same time, so tired and unsure how much longer I could survive. Fortunately, through counseling, support from others, and truly seeking God in my pain, I moved on to a much better place.

Acceptance…I’m so thankful to be here. Please don’t misunderstand this final place in the journey. It’s not all rose gardens and picnics. It’s still hard and overwhelming at times. But I have learned to just embrace what is, let go of things that will never be, and still save some hope for miracles. I give myself and James a lot of grace. I take it one day at a time, doing what I can do and then laughing when things don’t work. I have accepted that my life with James will look different than life does for many others. Occasionally, I cycle back to one of the other stages and linger there a bit. Fortunately, God often pricks my heart a bit and helps guide me back to this better place.

A few years ago I read an essay called “Welcome to Holland”. It is a well-known description of what it’s like to find out your child has a disability. When I read it the first time, tears welled up in my eyes because someone had finally put into words so much of what I felt. It’s not a perfect description; it tends to lean toward a more beautiful image of the experience, omitting all the truly ugly emotions you feel. However, it certainly helps put it all in perspective, and it’s worth a read.

As I continue on this journey as the mother of a special needs child, I realize I’m on a path that very few of my friends and family have ever traveled themselves. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is just hard. Sometimes there are perfect moments of delight where God shows me just how much He is with me and helping me on this journey. These are the moments I try to cherish.

For any of you who are walking down this same road, know that you are not alone in your grief, you are not alone in your struggles, and you are not alone on your journey. I pray you remember to reach out to others and most importantly, reach out to your Heavenly Father, who will equip you, comfort you, and strengthen you beyond what you can imagine. May God bless you on your journey!

Training the Voices in Your Head

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all hear voices in our head. For some of us, those voices are encouraging and motivating. For others, they are condemning and negative. The voices you hear can be a good indicator of who or what you are allowing to speak to you on a regular basis. The good news is that you have the power to train those voices in your head–turning down the volume to the discouraging ones and tuning in to the ones guiding you to the Truth.

Right now in your life, who are you listening to? Are you listening to the voice of society convincing you to do whatever makes you happy, no matter the consequences? Are you listening to the voice of the Enemy trying to condemn you, shame you, or tempt you? Are you listening to the voice of your past, reminding you of huge regrets and lost dreams? Are you listening to the voice of a negative person in your life, telling you that you are not good enough or not worthy of love? Are you listening to social media, telling you how you wonderful your life will be if only you do _________? Whoever you are giving your attention to will be the one that gets the most airtime in your head.

When I was young, I often heard the voice of my mom or dad in my head. When I would go out with friends, I would hear my mother remind me to “Be sweet.” When I would be in a dark parking lot, I would hear my dad caution me to pay attention to my surroundings. When kids would pick on me at the playground or tease me during high school, I would hear them both encourage me with, “They’re just jealous,” or an acknowledgement that these difficult years are hard but won’t last forever. Even when my parents weren’t around, the words they spoke to me filled my mind and influenced what I did and how I thought.

As I matured and grew in my relationship with Christ, studying the Bible and filling my head with the Lord’s words, the voices of my parents were often replaced with the voices of my Heavenly Father. Now when I am exhausted and overwhelmed, I hear him say, “Come to me and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) When I feel tired from fighting a battle in my life, I hear him say, “I will fight for you. You need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14) The more I actively listen to God’s word and let Him have my attention, the more I hear His voice above all the others.

There are times when people in my life say hurtful things, filling my head with doubts and condemnation. It is easy to let those discouraging words echo in my mind all day long until I am so beaten down that I want to give up or run away. On those days, the best thing for me to do is go out onto my porch, look out on God’s creation, and cry out to Him, asking Him to drown out those voices with His. It works! Scripture after scripture fills my head and those hurtful words from others fade to the background.

The voices you allow to speak loudly in your head can have a huge impact on your life, either deflating you and leading you to feel hopeless, unimportant, or lost or, in contrast, building you up and helping you feel empowered, worthy, useful, and loved. Don’t allow those voices to train you. Take the initiative to train them. Spend time with God and in His Word. Surround yourself with people who will remind you of His Truth and encourage you in your relationship with Him.

In John 10:27, Jesus, our Good Shepherd, reminds us, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” Let’s all make sure we are listening to our Shepherd’s voice and allowing only His to lead us through our lives.

Break It Down

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by teaching your child some important skill, such as how to read or how to ride a bike? Does your child struggle to master skills that seem to come so easily to others, such as brushing their teeth or putting on clothes? One simple concept has made a huge impact on how I have been able to help my special needs kids make progress.

Break it down! Take that skill your child needs to learn and think of it not as one skill but as several small, manageable skills. I recognize that this is not a new idea; adults use this method all the time to tackle big jobs, such as organizing a house or planning an event. It seems obvious to do this when the task is clearly complex and multi-step. But what about teaching your child how to eat with a spoon or put on their pants? These tasks seem so simple that we often think of them as just one-step skills. But for a child with disabilities or delays, these skills really require much more than you might initially see.

For example, most kids by the time they are a few years old can climb a small 4 step ladder into a pool. In fact, most kids do not actually have to be taught how to do this. They just figure it out on their own. But not my James. For him, even at 11 years old, it seemed like an insurmountable task. He is not really physically disabled. He can walk up stairs and use his arms just fine. But he struggles with coordination, balance, and many fine and gross motor skills. So when we bought an above-ground pool last summer, it was quite an endeavor teaching him how to get in and out by himself.

This is the type of ladder we had in our pool.

In order to teach the skill, I first climbed up and down the ladder by myself and paid attention to each step in the process–where I put my hands, where I put my feet, and the exact order I did each part. Then I took him through each step one by one. It was amazing how quickly that helped. Instead of James focusing on getting off the ladder, he was just focusing on the very next move, such as putting one foot on the first step. Breaking it down made it less overwhelming for him, more doable, and it helped me be able to coach him through it with less frustration.

Try it with almost anything you do in your daily life without thinking. Break it down into tiny skills and you will see the task in a completely different manner. When you pick up a pencil, you must reach out your hand, open your hand, grasp the pen, and pull your hand back to you. If your child does not fully comprehend each one of those steps, they will not be able to master it.

This concept helped me analyze how best to approach teaching James how to read. Most curriculum starts with letter recognition, but I had to dig deeper to think about what steps would come before that. I found a resource called ASD Pre-Speaking. This program helped me realize that some other skills must be tackled first, such as holding information in memory, remembering a sequence from left to right, and comprehending simple oral instructions. ASD Pre-Speaking had four types of activities that addressed these skills. Working through the program helped me recognize more clearly just how difficult certain tasks were to James, such as looking at a card with 3 colors and then pointing to those colors in order. We worked for months on this and he improved but still struggled. So we took a break from this and I re-evaluated how I might need to break things down even further. The result of using this program was not that James learned to read, but it gave me new insight into a whole world of other skills that I must teach him in order to even begin actual reading curriculum.

So if you are hitting a brick wall with teaching your child a particular concept or skill, take a moment to reflect on that skill and then break it down into smaller parts. See the task from your child’s perspective; which parts of it are easy and which are hard. Make smaller, more specific goals. I promise it will relieve some of your stress. You’ll start seeing progress. Your eyes will be opened to the strengths and weaknesses of your child. Ultimately, both you and your child will benefit from the more realistic, appropriate approach to learning that will result from breaking it down!

A Little Progress Makes a Big Difference

Sometimes I look back at my year and wonder what I have accomplished. What did I teach my children? Am I challenging them the way I should? Am I meeting their needs? I see all the other homeschool kids their age doing amazing things–winning sports recognitions, performing in the local theater, skipping grade levels–and my kids are just struggling to read and write and still can’t ride a bike.

You see, with their rare genetic condition, my 2 youngest are so delayed in all areas that learning even simple things is a struggle. When you have kids that just can’t seem to keep up, it is easy to get discouraged and doubt yourself. Sometimes it feels like we are moving and moving but never getting anywhere. When we are in that season, it is hard to keep my resolve and be motivated to continue in this homeschool journey. The Enemy uses these slow seasons to attack my will, confuse my vision, and squash my enthusiasm.

So what do I do to combat this? How do I keep moving forward even when it feels pointless? I try to look for those small moments of progress. I force myself to pay attention to the little things, and God always delights me with something beautiful.

My son, James, has severe communication difficulties, still struggling at the age of 13 to even speak in sentences or be understood by anyone not very familiar with his special language. We work every day on speech therapy, and many days I see no change. But then it will happen. I remember one day noticing how he used a pronoun for the first time, saying “yours mommy,” as we discussed going to visit my mom later that day. I remember the first time James expressed that he was scared about something. Never before had he been able to communicate emotion to me. I was so excited he could tell me his feelings I almost forgot to deal with his fear in the situation. I try to listen for these moments when James will say something new and that is when God ministers to my heart and says, “Keep going, my sweet daughter. You’re doing a good job. Just keep being faithful and I will work the miracle.”

Mark Twain said, “Comparison is the death of joy.” Isn’t that the truth! The only way I can keep my joy in this difficult journey is by keeping my eyes only on Christ, never comparing myself, my kids, or my life to others, but rather focusing on the path God has designed for us. Instead of looking at what is not happening or what my kids can’t do, I must be consistently seeking to find the little moments of progress and make those become big reasons to celebrate. Only then can I experience the joy God intends for me to have as I help my kids grow one moment at a time.

Waiting

Waiting on the Lord is not a cross to bear; it’s a blessing.

When we wait, we have the time to pause and reflect on who God is, to remember all the ways He has cared for us already, to acknowledge His goodness, love and faithfulness, and we learn to trust Him more.

When we wait, we have the opportunity to recognize His plan, His perfect, eternal plan, and we realize His ways are usually much better than our ways, even if we don’t understand that at the moment.

When we wait, we have a chance to see things from God’s perspective. A worldly perspective distorts our view. So often our concerns are about things that really are temporary or earthly. But God’s perspective is about matters of the heart and soul, things that are eternal.

When we wait, we realize our dependence on God and notice more clearly His sovereignty in our lives. Often we spend so much time and effort spinning our wheels trying to fix things. But sometimes we have to just stop, be still, and realize He is the true power in our lives, not us. We don’t have to keep striving; he just wants our faithfulness.

When we wait, we can step out of the way and allow God an opportunity to fight for us, to do miracles in our lives that only He can fathom. As a favorite song says, He is “moving mountains that we don’t even see”. We can rest in Him and know He is working out all things for good.

As I reflect on everything I’ve learned about waiting on the Lord, I realize so often what we consider a tiring, burden to bear, God really does mean for our good. He wants the act of waiting on Him to give us a beautiful blessing. As it reminds us in Isaiah 40:31…

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength,

they will soar on wings like eagles,

they will run and not grow weary;

they will walk and not be faint.

God wants me to be renewed and strengthened and not be weary, so God asks me to wait on Him. And I hope in the future, I will wait more willingly and, instead of worrying, will eagerly anticipate the blessings that will come in the end.

False Joy

Thoughts as I read from Nice: Why We Love to Be Liked and How God Calls Us to More by Sharon Hodde Miller (pg 41)…

“The thing that unmasks our joy and reveals its true quality is the hammering power of a storm…”

As I read this section, at first my chest puffed a bit with a little bit of pride–Hey, go me! I don’t demonstrate false joy! [The book gave a list of ways we might display false joy.] “Ever-cheerful face”–that’s not me. I actually let people see my sadness sometimes. Joy being dependent on our income–nope. I think I still am joyful even when we don’t have much money, because face it, we never have much money! Joy being dependent on our health–that’s not me. I’ve had skin cancer, endometriosis and ovarian cysts, terrible back pains, a hysterectomy at 38 and that didn’t steal my joy. I’m looking pretty good so far. Then I read that next sentence…”Storms expose exactly what our joy is standing on.”

I stopped and pondered this statement. I asked myself, “What causes my joy to crumble?”, and then God slapped me in the face with it. I could see exactly what my joy was standing on (and it wasn’t the solid rock of Jesus). You see, my joy is standing on very unstable ground–the daily feedback I get from my immediate family, especially my husband and oldest son. Nothing can steal my joy quicker than one of them expressing anger or disappointment in me. I can have a busy, hard, and exhausting day, filled with chaos and messiness and still be peaceful and joyful at the end of it. But a negative word from one of my family, and it’s all over. Until today, I never realized how much I allowed my family’s opinion of me to dictate my own feelings. And that realization shook me and humbled me.

“True joy is attractive and influential, not because of our stiff upper lip but because the fruit of the Spirit can flourish in any climate, sunshine or rain!” If my joy can be shaken so easily by a few unkind words from a hormonal teenager or a sleep-deprived husband, then what kind of joy is it really? As I’m continuing through this book and looking deeper at my “niceness”, I’m realizing that the whole point is in identifying the source and motivation of our beautiful qualities. Abiding in Jesus, getting my self-worth from God’s view of me, asking the Holy Spirit to guide every word and action, and getting strength from God’s power rather than my own abilities–that’s really what this is about. If I’m doing these things, the rest will fall into place.

My sister reminded me today, God wants us to bring our fish and loaves to him, as meager as they may be, and let Him work a miracle with it. May I always remember this truth…he doesn’t want me to offer them to the world but rather to Him. If I’m keeping that in mind, that everything I do is offered to God first and then to people, then the fruit that’s produced will never be false fruit. It will always be beautiful and genuine and life-giving.